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Hurricane Louboutin Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo1:36The screaming whirlwind of drunkenness has been gathering strength all week and has already made a mess of herself in a number of local bars.

Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings2:11Apologizing to customers for discomfort or searing of the flesh on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. Full article.

Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys1:53A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.

The Onion’s Tips For Getting A Good Night’s Sleep1:52Being sleep deprived can tremendously impact your lifestyle on a day to day basis. Here are The Onion’s tips for getting a good night’s sleep.

George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere1:41President Bush has a new hobby painting! and he showing off some new watercolors of the undead Iraqi boy who lives in his nightmares.

Doctor Recalls Average Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery1:23Saying he had witnessed up close the daily hardships endured by a young person impaired by a bland, unremarkable appearance, local doctor Daniel Barrett told reporters Wednesday how growing up with an average looking brother inspired him to become a cosmetic surgeon. Full article.

Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms1:30Saying that spontaneity is key to spicing up a marriage, local couple Dale and Barbara Patterson told reporters Wednesday they kept their relationship interesting over the years by bickering in a variety of different positions . Full article.

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl0:58Researchers today took a break from bullying their colleague Carl to announce to the world that Carl is a little pansy boy and that they are sick of him.

The Onions Tips For Nailing A Job Interview1:22Interviewing for a new job can often be a stressful, intimidating experience. Here are the Onion’s tips for nailing a job interview.

Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe1:11Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday . Full article.

Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR1:46Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder.

The Onion Reviews ‘Noah’3:10The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Noah’ in this week’s Film Standard

Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick’s Day Parade0:53St. Patrick Day celebrations kicked off in Boston yesterday when Mayor Marty Walsh landed the annual first blow on hometown celebrity Donnie Wahlberg.

Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New ‘Loyalty Goes Both Ways’ Campaign1:30The friendly airline says that while they proud to have the most loyal customers in the business, it time to find out what their customers are willing to do for them.

New Marijuana Study Says Everyone Knows You’re High And You’ll Likely Be Stoned Forever1:25The nation top researchers concluded that you can hide how stoned you are and that you should be freaking out if you aren already.

Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education1:56Calling it the most valuable decision he will ever make, the parents of local 20 year old Patrick Tobin reportedly advised their son this week to fully devote himself to pursuing an improv comedy education.

Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do0:42The ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ star used his speech to thank the profession of acting for being a fun, easy job that everyone should try.

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob1:24Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn actually be all that hard. Full article.

Is Emma Stone Sporting A Baby Bump? A Nine Y Louboutin ear Old Boy Tells Us What He Thinks2:16We get all the latest Hollywood gossip from a boy who definitely knows what sex is and how it works.

Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics0:38As the games wind down, officials are already starting Louboutin to return the dead strays to the streets they once called home.

Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other2:47Take a look inside the dorms, restaurants, and gymnasiums where these modern day gods and goddesses go crazy on each other perfect bodies.

Russia Applauds America’s Efforts To Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports3:12ONN International, Russian Bureau: Vladimir Putin officially thanked the United States this week for their history of making gay athletes feel unsafe and unwelcome. Full article.

The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Eating1:36The food you eat greatly impacts how you feel on a daily basis, but starting a new healthy Louboutin lifestyle can be difficult.

Netflix Introduces New ‘Browse Endlessly’ Plan1:19The inexpensive new plan lets users just browse all the titles and posters they want for just five dollars a month.

The Onion Reviews ‘RoboCop’2:57The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘RoboCop’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Nation’s Parents Release Annual Ranking Of Top 50 ‘Perfectly Good’ State Schools2:24The list includes dozens of totally fine schools where students can learn all the same things they learn at one of those expensive colleges on the East Coast.

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay At Home Dads1:31According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, a steadily increasing number of weak, emasculated men you can still even call them men choosing to forego a career and stay at home to raise their children.